Hard-hitting, clear-headed reviews of cats. Also, cat-related news.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Cat One: -:-Rufus-:-

Recently, I was struck by the total lack of informative cat-related content available on the web. (By recently, what I actually mean is, during breakfast.) In the past three years I've lived in

Cedar Falls
Des Moines
West Des Moines
also: Ames

and in none of these places have I found a good directory, database, listing, etc. of local cats. This didn't bother me, but if you happen to be

allergic to cats
interested in tracking local cat-sighting frequencies
some sort of fetishist who wishes only to pet cats of a certain shape, hue, or attitude

you may be interested in an independent cat-reviewing online magazine.

. . .

Cat One
Name: Rufus
Owner: Krystal Hering

Rufus is an adult cat, aged 1-2 years. Examined from afar, he appears to be a black cat, but under more careful scrutiny, the brown tint to his fur is readily visible. Because of this, Rufus perpetually appears to have just rolled around in a dish of baker's cocoa, as evidenced in this photograph:

Rufus ready either to pounce or to forcefully defecate

Rufus was born and raised in Illinois, but now lives in Ames, Iowa. He resides on the west side of town.

-:-Indoors VS Outdoors: Definitely Indoors-:-

When this reviewer arrived, Rufus showed an undeniable fear of the front porch. Owner Krystal Hering attributed this skittishness to a recent incident involving a UPS delivery man and a thrown package. Although Rufus eventually did come out onto the porch, he meowed plaintively until allowed back into the house. "Meow," he said. "Meow. Meow."

Once back inside the house, I attempted to stroke the cat. Having already attempted (and failed) to pet Rufus on multiple occasions, I expected him to tear ass up the stairs into hiding. To preempt this, I went up the stairs first to use the restroom. Reportedly, Rufus followed me up the stairs and then retreated when I flushed.

Today's attempts to initiate petting were met with some hesitancy. Initially, the cat refused to stay in one place:

but, surprisingly, Rufus eventually yielded to my advances.

--Allowed contact: petting, chin scratching, and belly rubbing--

When I was young, I read that to initiate contact with cats, the best thing is to approach the cat slowly, face first, until it touches its nose to yours.

"Meow," you're supposed to say.

The cat, sensing kinship, is supposed to respond, "Meow."

"Meow," you're supposed to say again.




And so on, until the cat is properly seduced.

Both times I attempted this greeting with Rufus, he nearly shat his kitty cat pants.

--Friendliness with Humans: Upper-Moderate, or 73%--

When I attempted to test the cat for squishiness, I discovered that he was ready to do battle. Rufus rolled to his back, batted my hands, and nibbled my knuckles.


--Readiness to Playfully Throw Down: Moderate-High, or 87%--


--Size: Moderately Large, or 72% the size of the fattest, biggest cat I've ever seen--

--Quality of Fur: Matte and Dry--

Favorite Activities:

Krystal reports that Rufus is a dominating cat who enjoys lying on some objects and pushing other objects off tables and counters. During a recent visit, this reviewer noticed that Rufus had knocked a large flower pot off a chair. During today's examination, however, Rufus's favorite activities appeared to be running, batting at yarn, and staring out the window at birds. Also, licking himself

and looking darkly calculating.

--Final Rating--

Although Rufus displays a magestic bearing and an aptitude with birdcalls, his aloofness and refusal to touch my nose with his cost him points. Also, this reviewer's preference is for cats who are slightly less fluffy.

However, Rufus does earn points for high energy, desire to walk on the kitchen counter, and following me up the stairs, to the bathroom. Also: Krystal reports that he performs a convincing bear impression, although he would not do so during this examination.

Out of a possible seven, I give Rufus 5.5 bags of catfood.