Hard-hitting, clear-headed reviews of cats. Also, cat-related news.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Ground Control to Cat Number Three--

--come in, Cat Number Three. For this examination, I was assisted by multiple individuals, several of whom were confused about why a grown man was chasing a grown cat around with a camera. Also, I was at Jenny O'Neill's Harry Houdini party. Was it a good party, you ask? Let me tell you this: I may or may not have conducted this examination while wearing a pair of handcuffs.

Regardless of how good the party was, however, it only became better when the cat showed up. Ronin announced his presence by standing in the doorway and staring at us all as if he could see our auras or the future or the ghosts of all the people we've mortally wronged flitting about our heads:

the cat sees only doom for you

which was obviously very damn creepy. Therefore:

Otherworldly Gazes: Intense, or 92%; Damn, that cat gave me the willies

Thankfully, the cat quickly grew bored with predicting our deaths, and charged into the living room. I called to my assistant Andrew Judge to seize the cat and he did:

Many of the cat's physical characteristics can be determined from this photo:

Shoulders: strangely broad

Weight: a bit plump, of 65% of the fattest cat I've ever personally encountered

Fur: dark for a Siamese

(It should be noted here that there is some dispute as to this cat's actual breed. Although my notes indicate that Ronin is a Siamese, and he wears the familiar black mask of the breed, some individuals contend that this is not true. Anyone familiar with Ronin's genetic background is welcome to weigh in using the comments at the bottom of this post.

UPDATE: Jenny says:

Ronin is supposedly a Siamese, but he is unnervingly fat and hairy. I think I was tricked.)

After greeting us all, Ronin was happy to dart around our feet:

and to sniff my elbow:

During this segment of the review, I was assisted by Wesley Beary. Wesley obviously enjoyed petting the cat, and Ronin quickly took to licking his arm. I called out for paper and was given a sheet by Lauren Cerretti.

"Wes," I said, "How many times did he lick your arm?"

"8 - 12 times," Wes replied.

Taste for Humans: low-moderate, or about 30% of the times Xena the Cat licked my hand in Cat Review Number Two

Shortly after, I discovered the following:

Quality of Meow: weird and deep

Willingness to Respond to Me Yelling "Cat!": nonexistent, or 0%

At this point, Ronin returned to the state we'd found him in, sitting quietly on the carpet and staring at our auras. In an attempt to better understand the cat's behavior, I'd like to introduce a new Cat Sight feature to the Review:

Us Looking at the Cat:

just look at the creepiness

The Cat Looking at Us:


Ability to Inspire New Features in the Cat Review: Obvious, or 100%

After asking Jenny for a post-party update on Ronin's status, she told me:

I don't know if I have any spiffy quotes, but I can tell you that he did puke on my floor late last night . . .

Final Evaluation: Initially I was wary of Cat Number Three. My expectation, after the examination, was that Ronin's strangeness, broad shoulders, and odd meow would cause him to score below both Rufus and Xena. I was reminded several times that the party atmosphere may have affected the cat's attitude, and I also admitted to an anti-Siamese bias.

Also, after putting together this Review, I realize that Ronin was entertaining and, although he apparently was not interested in f'ing around with a crowd of drunk humans, he indulged us for a while. Also, his Otherworldly Gazes creeped me the F out. Primarily for this reason, I award Ronin 5.73 mystical, creepy Cat's Eye Nebulas:

1 comment:

Gordon said...

More Cat Review! Now I can go ahead and puke on Jenny's Rug too.
We need more cat review. More perturbation.