Hard-hitting, clear-headed reviews of cats. Also, cat-related news.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Cat Review Number What the Hell?

The Review of Cats has been on hiatus for more than a month now. What has happened, you ask? What has happened, I tell you, is this: in March of this year, I visited my hometown. While there, I discovered that my parents’ back yard has been overrun with cats. Several cats. More than eight cats. Likely more than ten cats. My parents live next to a woods and to a derelict set of train tracks and next to a neighbor’s abandoned shed, and so you can imagine: stray cats love this part of town.

I’d foolishly left my camera back at the Cat Review Headquarters (heretofore known as the CRH), and so borrowed my mother's. The pack of stray cats were quick to spook, but I stalked them with all the care and experience a cat reviewer can bring to the field, and so captured several lovely pictures. I also got some good video, despite my mother’s insistence to try to lure the cats with her siren song (Heeeeere kittty kitttty kitttttttty!) in the background.

There were difficulties with this usage of new equipment. While uploading the photos to the CRC (the Cat Review Computer), I got a slew of images of my nephews playing baseball, of my sister’s new dog, of my sister’s ice cream shop. Then, after getting these images onto my computer and returning to Ames, the Cat Review Computer slipped into a deadly coma, taking my British Lit final and my novel-slash-thesis with it. I held its hand and gingerly stroked its head with a damp cloth but nothing would bring the computer around. Finally the foul-smelling but benevolent giants at the Apple Store, dressed in their ever-worn loin-cloth-and-stethoscope costume, retrieved my documents but wiped the computer’s hard drive. Cat Review Number Four was lost.

Disillusionment sank in. Inspiration evaporated through all pores not immediately covered by clothing. The Review went on hiatus and I traveled the globe in search of the Time-Traveling Eurasian Lynx, but it looked as if I would never return. Then, last Thursday, my roommate John opened our mailbox and envelopes literally spilled out. I arranged them on my desk:


As both cat-review correspondent Molly Magestro and Bil Shehan pointed out, it appeared that somebody had pushed the CAT FLDR button inside our mailbox. Because of the Denver return address, my first assumption was that the envelopes had to be from my friend DaveO. However, the addresses seemed to not have been written by anyone named DaveO. Also, DaveO is not in the habit, that I'm aware of, of drawing hearts on his letters. If only I'd opened the envelopes immediately, I'd have known that they were mailed by new Cat Review Correspondents Allison and Kara.

But discerning the exact origin of these letters was not of the utmost importance. Of the utmost importance was opening them and reviewing the cats that spilled out. So let it begin. Let's get it on. Rev your engines. Tune your ovens to gas mark 3. Sprinkle the pulverized walnuts on the meatloaf. Overfeed the goldfish.

Because several cats were shipped, they will be reviewed en masse. To avoid confusion with earlier cats who have received individual reviews, these cats will be numbered using Spanish. Also, some categories apply to all cats, including

Ability to lie incredibly still and remarkably fat during postage: Flawless, or 100%

-:-

Cat Uno: Oscar


I begin with Oscar because this cat is my least favorite cat. The accompanying note reads "Oscar (she's a girl!)" and then "Tim: this cat needs to be rated. She feels left out." My response is: this cat should feel left out. Please examine the unevenness of her stripes, the paunch of her belly, and the close-set front-paw posture. Most importantly, examine the face. This cat displays a mixture of timidity, anger, disappointed entitlement, and desperate hope commonly only viewed in single thirty-five-year-old parents. This cat may be disappointed in life, but let me tell you, life may be disappointed in it.

Rating: Low, or 27%

-:-

Cat Dos: Baxter

Allison and Kara note that Baxter "loves to curl up with a ball of yarn and enjoys a long island iced tea." Apparently Baxter enjoyed one too many before this review, because he was incapable even of standing on my desk:


. . . what . . ?

Ability of Cat to Get Blitzed Drunk without My Realizing it: High, or 87%

In addition:

Likelihood that Cat Could Perform Successfully in Some Sort of Chihuahua Impersonation Contest: Moderate-High, or 70%

-:-

Cats Tres: Larry, Curly and Moe

These cats appeared to be much younger than the first two. In fact, they seemed to be almost kittens. Is this blog titled "Tim(othy) Dicks's Review of Kittens," I ask you? No, you say. No it is not. Nevertheless, they will be reviewed.


The note accompanying these kittens reads "Tim: These kittens love you. Please rate them." Well, kittens, I have to ask you: how do you know you love me? How well do you even know me? Is there some sort of underground kitten-language tabloid that keeps tabs on (as well as sexy drunken photos of) those who review you? If so, can you send me copies of the articles featuring me?

Ability of Kittens to Flatter Me: Moderate-High, or 58%

Ability to Look Vaguely Terrified: Pretty Damn High, or 78%

-:-

Cat Quatro: Betty

Betty is an exceptional cat. She is young, cute, and gifted with the ability to cloud my mind or my camera's lens or both:

Look into her eyes and see your soul's darkest secrets

But months of experience have trained me to overcome even the wiliest tricks of the cleverest cat. I swore softly and adjusted the shutter and steeled myself with a swig of rum and tried again:


Ability of Cat to Stand on My Computer without Pressing any Buttons: Uncannily High, or 99%

Allison's and Kara's accompanying note reads, "Please rate this kitten so she can grow up to be an upstanding cat." Well, Allison and Kara, I hope that this cat will now have the confidence she needs to advance through the world and gain more than her share of cat food.

-:-

Cat Cinco: John Lennon

Allison and Kara describe John Lennon as "pretty," but they have to be kidding! Look at this picture(!):


Obviously, this cat has to have some sort of jaw deformity. He looks like he's got a mouthful of marbles or, you know, cat-sized marbles. Or tiny dominoes. Or lemon seeds. He's just got such a huge mouth.

Also, he appears to be a bit too fluffy. However, I will give him high marks for his brilliant orange color. He looks like a damn Oranges-and-Cream Creme Saver.

Ability of Cat to Appear Lightly Dusted with Cayenne Pepper: High, or 77%

-:-

Cats Seis: Vodka, Cait, Barkley, Merlot, Marven, and Stitch

Again, the Review's mission usually excludes the reviewing of kittens. These kittens, though, were just damn cute.


Ability of Kittens to Stand as One on My Notebook: Spooky-High, or 98%

These cats run the gamut from rockin to scary. Observe the confused-yet-confident stare of the white Vodka, in contrast with the sickly and timid gaze of Stitch. My favorite of all is Barkley, who has a strange name, but who also appears capable, brilliant, and ready to make a move on somebody. While all his associates stare docilely ahead, Barkley prepares to make a run for the nearest exit.

While reviewing these cats, my phone rang with dinner plans for tonight. When I turned back to the Reviewing Table, I noticed something awful. The Deadly Blue snake I keep beneath the desk had become hungry:

Finally Stitch's terror was merited

Despite my best efforts, he even got to Betty:


Ability to Apetize a Deadly Blue Snake: Very High, or, I Hope they Were at Least Nutritious

5 comments:

DaveO said...

Greatest.

Review.

Ever.

allison! said...

YAY!!! you got our kitties!!! <3 <3 <3

Molly said...

Brilliant. I just want to take credit for being the one to open the first envelope after days (days?) of Tim's just starting at them trying to decide if he had enough balls to get back into the game. Thankfully, I had enough balls for him.

-Molly Magestro, correspondent.

P.S. Tim--the cats lay fLat, not fat for shipping purposes.

Tim said...

Oops. Sorry, kitties.

Sarah said...

how could you tarnish Edward’s golden reputation like that... :(